August 31st

August 31st

I am Tahasi Massk.

I find myself missing her so intensely that it becomes a physical sensation. A pull in my chest toward wherever she is. And then, as soon as I am with her again, something truly magical happens. A transfomation occurs in me. Any grumpiness inside crumbles to dust. And the physical sensation transforms too. My ache grows into craving. One that seems almost insatiable.

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August 30th

August 30th

I am Tahasi Massk

Our love is a process of moving toward each other. Each day seeking new paths that lead my heart closer to yours. And with those paths as guides, making, and remaking roads. You make even the dark roads worthwhile. Because even in the dark, when we walk together, the path brings us ever closer to each other.  And that has a worth far beyond words.

August 29th

August 29th

I am Tahasi Massk

There are some things that I understand intuitively. Things that when I hear them or see them just make sense. They need no explanation. She understands goodness and right. She sees what is right naturally. She comprehends goodness without explanation. And that goodness and right guide her actions. Even when it is hard.

August 28th

August 28th

I am Tahasi Massk

I am learning that there is great strength in softness. That power does not come from control of others, but from mastery of self. A tender heart opens us. Soft answers, not defensive yelling, empower. And respect strengthens the giver even more than the recipient. These might not be intuitive, but they are truth.

August 27th

August 27th

I am Tahasi Massk

I miss her painfully on those rare days where I leave early in the morning and do not return until night. Coming home again I notice every detail. My eyes linger on dandelions. Yard work isn’t exactly my forte. But she loves me anyway. And she works hard to keep it looking decent. We may never with yard of the month, but we have filled our home with joy. There is a wasp nest the size of a volleyball under the balcony, but we went to the Renaissance Faire anyway. There will be plenty of years for worrying about those things. Years when we do not have children who are still filled with wonder at mini-horses and Irish Wolfhounds.

August 26th

August 27th

I am Tahasi Massk

It isn’t easy for me be completely open. I am far to used to being ‘mostly open.’ Which is kind of like being good, but not great. Increasing the level my love means cultivating deeper trust. It can be really frightening at times. There is a temptation to say ‘Good is good enough. Why go for great if there is a risk.’ It is a good point. Keeping trust and openness at a good level ultimately can’t kill you. But it steals life all the same. It steals magic from those special moments—that sense of joy bursting from your skin.  It steals a little of the shine from starry-night walks—that deep awe that makes your throat tight as you blink back tears. Living ‘mostly open’ steals the life we were meant to live.

August 25th

August 25th

I am Tahasi Massk

Desire is a funny thing. It is like flame. It can be dangerous if handled by those without maturity. But if channeled properly, it can be a powerful tool. I know this isn’t exactly revolutionary. Everyone agrees, desire makes young men into numbskulls. Desire mixed with a little maturity on the other hand makes even good men better. Many of the greatest works of art have had desire at their heart. I still haven’t lost the juvenile wish to impress the girl I like. But now, the ways that I try to impress her are things that help me become the man I really want to be. Today I feel that desire burning. Fire, but properly channeled.

August 24th

August 24th

I am Tahasi Massk

I had a realization today that I have a problematic condition. The condition is called verbal constipation. It comes from the desire to craft all of my words perfectly before they come out of my mouth. The problem is that it creates a traffic jam between my brain and my mouth. And the result is that I end up not saying the things that I really need to say. Part of the problem is that I am so concerned with how my words will impact other people. But trying to control how everyone reacts is stupid. How silly is it to think that I know how people will react? And how wrong is it to think that it is my right to make those decision? I want to know her perfectly, and be known perfectly by her. How is that going to happen if I don’t let her see my thoughts in all their imperfect flow.

August 23rd

August 23rd

I am Tahasi Massk

Time is my enemy. And friend too. Evening rides, time in majestic expanses, and the moments alone with you race by. Time in shopping malls, meetings, and away from you all seem to drag on for ages. That is why time is my enemy.  But there are moments where time seems to stop completely. Looking over at you in the car while you are asleep. Standing in the headwaters of the Colorado river. Moments where the world pauses, and burns those beautiful moments into my memory. That is why time is also my friend.

August 22nd

August 22nd

I am Tahasi Massk.

Today there is a strong cold wind blowing. And leaves are swirling around. They strike my face as I ride. It mirrors the feelings I have inside me today. This project of writing is about honesty. And so, it will of necessity include some days where my feelings aren’t butterflies and rainbows. Leaving out visceral emotions sugarcoats our nature. Greed, anger, jealousy, resentment, and even pettiness are part of our emotional repertoire. The fact that we both feel them does not in any way diminish our love. Otherwise our love would be insincere, and incomplete. I love her desperately on my darkest days. And on hers. That is just how love works.