July 18th

July 18th

I am Tahasi Massk

A few decades ago, on the 18th day of a month we knelt, and spoke the words. The words that added outward recognition to a growing inward unity. And each month we celebrate this day. Sometimes we eat. Enjoying the heat enriched aroma rising to dance around your senses. Sometimes we walk. Savoring the delicate colors painted across the evening clouds in the west. Sometimes we simply remind each other. A few words all that is needed to remember that this day means just a little more. It was the day we became more than just you and me.

July 17th

July 17th

I am Tahasi Massk.

I crave connection with her. Being close to her somehow helps everything. It soothes my yearning, and it refills my soul. Days I don’t get to spend time with her feel like an hourglass, slowly draining. And then I see her again, hold her, and kiss her. And time seems to stop for a moment, before racing ahead. We walk holding hands in the semi-cool night air. Before we know it hours have slipped past. And it doesn’t matter, because I am close to her.

July 16th

July 16th

I am Tahasi Massk

I would never claim that my love for her is unchanging. Quite the opposite. One of the joys is living is that life offers various experiences and new discoveries. Love each and rejoice! Noticing the exquisiteness of even the painful growing moments adds layers to love that would never exist if it were unchanging. All growth is change, and love cannot grow without change. Flowing through the seasons of loving brings appreciation for each of the wonderful phases.

July 15th

July 15th

I am Tahasi Massk

Celebrating our love of recreation, and doing other, more intellectual things, has created wonderful memories. We have climbed mountains together. Rocky, snow-capped peaks, with ice fields melting into the babbling beginnings of a great river. We have watched love portrayed masterfully on stage. Actors perfectly capturing the potent alchemy of passion and play. We have scaled sun-baked red-rock cliffs, and looked down on the same river, now fully grown into a canyon carving torrent. And talked along the way about masterpieces of literature. Marveling at the beauty and wisdom in great words. We share these adventures of the body and mind. Side by side, hand in hand, breathing in beauty. In all its infinite incarnations.

July 14th

July 14th

I am Tahasi Massk.

I wish there were ways to erase my moments of stupidity. My moments of thoughtlessness. My moments of betrayal. A thousand apologies would never suffice, any more than a thousand thanks would suffice to express my gratitude for her. But, I would not erase what I have learned, or the love that I feel for her. I sometimes marvel at how understanding replaced the intensely negative thoughts of just one year ago. How we have grown love out of pain and disconnect. Her commitment to us is an immeasurable gift.

July 13th

July 13th

There are many things that have to be done today. Each of us has a full plate. We will be apart for the whole day. It feels harsh, and the thought of it is painful for each of us. On days like this, it is easy for me to forget to find the joy. But she knew just the right things to say. Her words of appreciation softened my heart, and made me smile. She has no idea how much impact she has on me—how much I crave her love. When we appreciate each other, and speak that appreciation, closeness happens automatically. We each gradually remove our walls, and so open new entrances up for each other.

July 12th

July 12th

She has a gift for taking good, and making it great. For seeing the little ways to make something better. For tapping into the ‘more’ that is inside of things, and people. It is how she lives her life, constantly seeking ways to be better. Her gift also helps me to improve myself. She helps me see how I can be better, and I want to change to become that better person. Only not everytime. My own natural tendencies hinder my ability to see how changing will make me happier. When I am not feeling confident enough in myself, I mistakenly view efforts to change me as a rejection of my current self. But changing to be better is joy, and the greatest gift of all is having someone beside me who helps me find more joy by taking my good and making it great.

July 11th

July 11th

Each day is a new opportunity to learn. A new chance to become closer to her. Some days I learn something new. Something that, one learned, seems so obvious. It leaves me wondering, ‘How did I not realize this before?’ Like realizing that she needs order in our life. For years, I failed to see the reason. I thought it was just wanting order for the sake of order. But I really think her desire and yearning for order, are simply wanting the conditions that allow her to be her best self. And that is what I want for her with all my heart. So, now it is only natural for me to want that order for us. It is so simple and clear. Why did it take me years to see it?

July 10th

July 10th

I am Tahasi Massk

I think that it might be easy to see the love that I write here as delusion. But I do not think this is true. I believe that the love I feel is at least partially a result of these daily notes. Why does it make such a difference to start each day with a love letter? I notice each exquisite detail of her beauty. I notice little things she does for me. I notice the depth of traits I had seen before, but never fully appreciated. I notice how much I need her. And I notice that, miraculously, she needs me too.

July 9th

July 9th

Sometimes she forgets just how amazing she is. I suppose that is true for all of us though. Something happens and fear starts to creep in. The problem is that fear alters vision. Our reality is tainted everytime our negative emotions induce negative thinking. Hearing evaporates. We obscure reality, letting destructive thoughts take on a semblance of reality in our minds. It hurts me to see her hurting in any way, but it is most painful when some negative emotion affects her ability to see the wonder that she is. I wish I could for one day, or even one minute, let her see herself the way I see her.